The parents I have talked to have very different stories and like people, Adoption Stories vary. But here is ours:
I have said before I have always been a late bloomer. I am a procrastinator, my fashion can be so behind the times I am the one who brings it BACK. So it was no shocker to me that I got married later in life and decided at 40ish to have a baby (at least try)
Well if you wanna talk more about THAT road to fertility you can read my post Fertility at 40 Foes and Frauds at mytoddlersmom.blogspot.com
Since my Old School eggs where not up to the challenge we decided to think about adopting. And just start doing a little research on it.
Where to start?
We knew we wanted a baby, a new born. We wanted to raise our baby from scratch. We also wanted our baby to be able to identify with each of us. We are an interracial couple. My husband is Italian and I am Black so we wanted a mixed race baby. I thought this would be a challenge. We don't live in a small conservative town with "Footloose" type family values. We live in New York City, Brooklyn, Prospect Heights and our neighbors looked like this:
We would fit right in. The problem was that it looks like everyone had the same criteria. And we were just starting so we were not desperate yet and too self centered to take whatever was "available".
Well, we didn't even have to look that hard because our prayers came calling via my cousin Tonya. She is a foster parent for teen girls and a former foster kid resurfaced in her North Virginia neighborhood, 4 months pregnant with a 10 month old already hanging on her hip. She didn't have a job, her housing situation went from permanent to temporary and she was not even considering keeping her unborn child. She also was not considering terminating the pregnancy. I admired this young 20 year old for sticking to her convictions. She knew what she wanted in life but lacked the skill, knowledge and means to get there. She needed help. And so did we.
We met and I instantly knew. I felt a bond, not with this young mother but I felt a bond with her unborn child.
OKAY.... I know. Now's its getting all "HIPPIE-DIPPY" but that is the only way I can explain how I felt.
And She (Tummy Mummy*) understood because she had the opposite feeling. She felt no connection with the baby she was carrying. She loved it to the extent that she wanted the best for it because she created it but the connection wasn't there.
This is where things started to get scary because I was hooked. This was MY baby.
Tummy Mummy* and I spent the next 5 months together. I took her to all her Dr. appointments and I talked my cousin into moving her into her home for the duration of her pregnancy. TONYA = ANGEL
We got a lawyer, we did a home study, we got reference letters from friends and family to vouch for us. This was getting REAL! Oh yeah... and a baby was coming too.
And I was this baby's mommy.
At least in MY mind I was.
But I wasn't, not in anyone else's mind and there was a strong possibility that I never would be.
1 out of 3 Birth Mother's change their minds ( I have no idea if this is a true statistic. I think I might have heard Barbara Walter's say it on 20/20)
60% of adoptions don't go through for a number of different reasons (I totally grabbed this number out of nowhere so don't quote me BUT you get my point that it's a risky business)
I was beyond invested into this adoption to the point where I was feeling like she was my surrogate. But she wasn't. She was her own woman(child) with her own woman(child) mind.
We quickly started bumping heads. I tried to tread lightly but she was carrying my child inside her and well, you can imagine that a 40y old woman and a 20y old woman(child) have different views one what one should and shouldn't do while pregnant.
We are both very strong willed and both very opinionated. (clearly)
There were a couple of times where my husband (bless him) had to talk me down. I was ready to call it quits. "Call it off! I'm done with this woman(child)!"
"This is nothing, compared to what she is probably going through".
"She is giving up her child to strangers she hopes, believes and prays will give her the incredible life she could never give herself. She's probably just as afraid of the 'what ifs' as you are ".
It's important to have someone that can remind you of what really matters and to talk you down off the ledge.
Like I said we are a "Special Case". Our Tummy Mummy* did not back out of the adoption. She did not take advantage of us nor did she try and use, abuse or mislead us. We did not go through an agency and did not have extensive lawyers involved. The biological father signed quickly and easily and made it clear that he was not interested in being involved.
THE DELIVERY
The delivery was a quick one. Now I obviously have never gone through labor but when our Tummy Mummy* called me at around 10am and said she thinks her water broke and then again at 3pm saying, "She's here." To me, that's quick.
When she called, I had only been back in NYC (my home town) a couple of days to collect my things. I had planed on returning to North VA that afternoon (2 weeks before the due date) when I got the call. We had barely made it out of Jersey when our daughter came bursting into the world. Literally, bursting. She ripped the placenta and shot out like a cannon. She was ready. Whether we were or not. And were we? Not really. I always wondered if there was some kind of pregnancy hormone that prepares you for after your child is born. Or is it just instinct that kicks in. Well, lucky and unlucky for me I had neither. Our daughter (still technically Tummy Mummy*s daughter) had some trouble once she arrived. Platelet trouble. Turned out to be NOT too serious and was under control (relatively) quickly with no long term damage. But at the time it was VERY serious and VERY scary. She spent the first 10 days in the NICU. And that is where I received my MOMMY training. I got to learn how to feed, change diapers, sponge bathe, burp and hold my baby by the Best. My husband and I even got a private baby CPR class from the head instructor. And the best part is I left my bundle of baby joy with them at night and I got to go home and sleep 8 hrs. I don't wish anyone's baby to have to be NICU bound for any amount of time but if they are... a curse could turn into a blessing.
Our Tummy Mummy*s involvement post adoption is minimal. She never wavered. She is (to my knowledge) happy with her decision.
And you know what NeenieSays.... So are We!!
*Tummy Mummy is the term we use when explaining to our daughter that she is adopted. I think its a cute and accurate way to start the conversation to a small child as they start to learn and understand where babies come from. She will be raised knowing she is adopted from birth. There are many wonderful children's books on the subject and even though we could get away with "pretending" my husband and I both believe we are who we are and our Story makes us so.
